Pick the Best Caption!

Well, at least there's a lot of contenders for this one. Sorry, Thursdays tend to be a little hectic and I'm gearing up for the weekend when I try to put up my major doses of blogmeat, such as Friday Night Physics.

Your Moment of Funny

Lovable Ol' Hacks : Fabian Nicieza

Thanks to Alan David Doane for the inspiration for the title of tonight's rant. Now, I'd like to point out that for the purposes of this post, I don't mean "hack" in a purely derogatory sense. What we are talking about are the writers who do solid journeymen storytelling work. The people who don't redefine the genre or necessarily go out to write bold new visionary works (and let's face it, most of them fail when they try it), but the guys and gals who understand the craft of serialized storytelling in the comic medium. I've been fairly ambivalent about corporate superhero property comics, but if more of the writers who handled these properties put in the basic level of craftsmanship necessary to get a new reader into the medium and hook'em into the hobby, it might be a bit more tolerable. Tonight, I'll be talking about my favorite one, Fabian Nicieza.

Fabian was probably the first writer whom I actually saw in the credit box as a young comic reader. Yeah, I don't understand how that works either. And say what you will, as a writer, he earned his chops in the comicbook world, and he played it out very far; he made the New Warriors from scratch, which begat his long affiliation as writing half the X-Comics at Marvel after Claremont and the Image guys took off. But it was his writing elsewhere that drew a lot of attention from me as a kid. I remember reading some piece of Marvel promotional propaganda where he wrote his "Two issues rule"; If you aren't being entertained by a comic series for two issues in a row, stop buying it. I think I was twelve when I read that and it stunned me: a MARVEL writer is telling me there's a time when I should get off comics? Really? Wow! Ever since I've applied that rule pretty rigidly. This probably goes a long way to explaining why I don't buy any more from Marvel: I mean, when was the last time that any given two sequential issues even started a story anymore?

In recent years, Fabian's output has been hit and miss: His Thunderbolts was usually passable, but it excelled when it focused on the characters you knew he had developed some complex characterization for, sometimes even exceeding the development started by Kurt Busiek. For me, the character work he did with Hawkeye, Zemo, Songbird, and Atlas still really stand out for me. Each of those characters in his work had a singular and unique voice to me, and each was a part in what I felt was the larger story Nicieza was trying to tell about the nature of power and heroism, and how nature and nurture effected the path you took.

Fabian's strongest skill, I think is that he respects and tries to bring out the best in the characters he's given. No character, no matter how obscure, would be used as cannon fodder for his stories. In fact, he's shown a remarkable gift for writing a compelling narrative with just about any assemblage of random bottom-tier characters (see his New Warriors run, and then his Thunderbolts run, especially the end there where he was using frikkin' Plantman and the Gypsy Moth. Seriously, the Gypsy Moth?). DC could probably give him a team consisting of Gypsy, Flying Fox, Wild Dog, B'wana Beast, Nightblade, and Lady Quark and turn it into a crackerjack series. In fact, I think DC should offer him that series right now.

So, here's to you Fabian Nicieza, there's probably no Eisners in your future, but damn if you don't manage to still keep me interested!

What If We Lived in a Comic Book Universe? Part 14

Plot Devices that need to Go Away #3

Hi, and welcome to the third in our series on comic book plot devices that need to go away
Here's #1

Here's #2

And tonight

Plot Devices that Need to Go Away #3:

DAMSELS IN DISTRESS

Also Known as: Rescue Meat, Girls in Refrigerators (when the hero doesn't get there in time), Lady or The Tiger, Captured Women, Dungeon Dramas


What is it?: The Love interest or some other woman of import to a hero is kidnapped by the villain in order to heighten tension and cause drama.

Why do comic companies do it?: The primary reason here is because the story is traditional for these types of fantasy dramas. I mean, the original primary audience of superhero comics were the same as most other primitive genre fiction, in which a women was rescued by a hero/knight in shining armor or masked rogue type. At this point, it's metastasized into this gimmick in order to heighten the drama of a story because while most people realized that a superhero isn't in much danger, supporting characters are not as well protected.

Recent Offenders include but are not limited to: Mary Jane Watson (in all three Spider-Man Movies), Agent 13 (Captain America), Colleen Wing and Mysti Knight, Cowgirl (Green Lantern), Jessica Jones (New Avengers), Milla Donovan Murdock (Dardevil)

Patient Zero: While we can go to Lois Lane as being the original Damsel in Distress for comic book women, she's largely been balanced in recent years (in most media) by being fairly independent, thoughtful, and resourceful enough to get herself out of a jam. So, the real cause of the modern over-reliance on this gimmick can be traced to exactly one source:

GWEN STACY

And yes, I've read my fair share of Gwen 70's stories, and you know what? She's a Cipher. A nobody. She had the personality of a doorstop except when she was used as a foil for her friend, the far more interesting Mary Jane Watson. She's better known for how she died than what she did when alive, and the only reason anyone under the age of 30 remembers her is because she was the ultimate "damsel in distress" because SHE DIDN'T MAKE IT. Otherwise, she'd be as well known at Deb Whitman or whatever lame attempt they are throwing at Peter right now in the current Spider-Man story arc named for a bad Sting Song.

Why does it have to go away?: Because the target demographic for most comics is not adolescent boys in need of a fantasy of rescuing a beautiful damsel (Some days, it seems that the target demographic is a bunch of men in a perpetual adolescence who need to be rescued by reality, but I try not to let such cynicism weight me down). Because we now live in an age where it is right and proper to show that women, super-powered or no, have the power, the cunning, and smarts to stand up for themselves and to serve as a better example. Because that should be one if not the primary goal of superhero fantasy; to provide a better example of how to live a just life.

Angles for Redemption of the Plot Device: I believe I will let Mary Jane speak for me on this one.

Thanks MJ.

The Top 12 Comic Writers I Just Don't get anymore

You know how in sports, they say someone is on a hot streak, and you can never tell why, because he/she's just been playing the same as always? But then, a few years go by, and the athlete is past his or her prime, and THEN you see what it is they were talking about? Well, my own experiences in comics have been like that, where I used to be really into a given writer, and then, poof! Done. And so, here's my list of the top dozen or so who I just can't be bothered to care about anymore.

12) Peter David

Probably because as a kid I was a HUGE Star Trek fan that I really became hooked on David's writing style, moreso in prose than comics strictly, but he did a lot of comics I liked for a good long time. However, moreso than most, I've found an increasing bitterness creeping into his output the last few years, as characters who could be funny and sarcastic are now bitter and sarcastic. And where once his use of pop-culture as a prop was fairly seemless and benign, it sticks out like a sore thumb. The real question I have now is: was he always like this and I didn't notice, or is this new?

11) Joss Whedon

At the risk of pissing off a great number of people on the internet, I'm going to admit that I've never been the biggest Whedonite. Buffy and Angel were good TV and all that, but Firefly never really caught on with me (partly because when it was airing in Canada it was airing at the same time as Farscape...and that wasn't a real choice for me. In fact, it still isn't). That said, his comic work has been rather...repetitive. To the point where what seemed fresh on screen now appears to be calcified gimmickry in print. Perhaps with time he'll improve, and move on beyond some of his more glaring stylistic tics. That's more than can be said for most of the people on this list.

10) Robert Kirkman

I enjoyed Invincible...to start. But after the first year, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was reading a story by a guy pretty much my age just recycling a bunch of the same comics, TV, books and movies I've already seen with no real variation. And after that, I just stopped caring what he did.

9) Dan Slott

Oh, you only think I'm crossing him off of the list for being the architect of "Brand New Day". But no, that isn't the reason, that was just the final nail in the coffin. Slott stopped being funny and his output started taking on some rather bizarre and dark overtones in his second volume of She-Hulk, and (in my eyes) his first few issues of Avengers: the Initiative, where he was almost blatantly stealing concepts left and right from older military movies (Including but not limited to: Platoon, Basic, Starship Troopers, and the Dirty Dozen). So yeah, he's lost nearly all respect in my eyes.

8) Chris Claremont
Claremont did do some brilliant and groundbreaking work with the X-Men in the late 70s and early 80s...and has coasted on that ever since. Next.

7) Brad Metzler

He's an odd case: I actually don't think he would be as negatively viewed in the eyes of many fans if he could A) Pace himself properly for the medium of comicbooks and B) incorporate the whole of a given character's continuity instead of just chucking out parts he doesn't want to deal with. However, he's shown no inclination to do either of these things, so I've got no interest in his work.

6) J. Michael Straczynski

I loved Babylon 5 as a teenager. It's just a real pity he's never stopped recycling those stories and re-using them in all his other work.

5) Jeph Loeb

Jeph Loeb Fact: Jeph Loeb has never found an idea, good or bad, that he wasn't capable of running into the ground.

4) Paul Jenkins

Sally Floyd's MYSPACE Speech. NEXT.

3) Judd Winick

Judd Winick thinks he knows how to write social commentary, he doesn't. Someone please tell him this. If you do and he listens, I will buy you a coke.

2) Mark Millar

You know how I said Peter David's pop-culture references stick out like a sore thumb now? Well, they've ALWAYS stood out with Millar. This, combined with his obsession to somehow become "cool" and his self-congratulating self-promotion, makes him seem to be a real dick. Oh, and his writing is some of the least coherent dribble featuring unlikable characters around.

1) Frank Miller

Thinks that the entire universe should be run on the logic of an tough-guy fantasy world.

Friday Night Physics

OK, just under the wire here, but this counts for Friday, right?

THE SHIELD HELICARRIER:

I'm actually a bit torn in doing this, because the SHIELD HELICARRIER is just one of those things that are JUST THAT AWESOME. I mean, it's Kirby, right? And Kirby is Awesome, no? Look athe posters here, you know why there are no posters featuring the Helicarrier? Because no mere poster can contain the sheer awesome of that image and do it a lick of justice. NONE. But just because something is a cool visual, doesn't mean it's great sciences, as you are about to see.

OK, let's get the first bit out of the way: Newton's Third Law of physics: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So, those four Helicopter blades (or Fan jets, depending on the model) are pushing against the ground with a force equal to the weight of an AIRCRAFT CARRIER. Those things ain't light, which means that anything under those jets would get smushed. Nevermind any unlucky burds that would shredded to chicken grease if they fly into the engines.

There's also the question of design. Aircraft carriers are designed in such a way that...well, there aren't a lot of guns and whatnot at the bottom, and you would think that would be a major sticking point when designing an aircraft. Now, there's definetly a great deal of evidence to suggest that SHIELD has long since addressed this flaw and added some weapons to the underbelly. In addition, they would have had to make significant if not major structural changes to the frame, as Aircraft carriers are meant to be picked up like that (or at all really).

Then of course, there's the fact that the Helicarrier seems like a bad idea on the conceptual level:

-why does a SPY agency need to have a flying aircraft carrier? Seems that something that would attract that much attention really defeats the whole "stealthy spy" thing.

-Really, does having a slow moving aircraft carrier in the air really any better than having one in the water? I mean, it can't be that fast, or else there'd be a whole other ton of problems with aerodynamics and drag.

-In motion or not, the Helicarrier would be AT LEAST as hard to land on as a water-based Aircraft carrier.

-What is the strategic advantage of the Helicarrier? Making the supply lines for their aircraft shorter? Easy to pick up agents in the field? Or just to terrify the beejus out of everyone?

That last goal is accomplished very easily when you consider that the Helicarrier(s) are CONSTANTLY FALLING OUT OF THE FUCKING SKY! Seriously, it took one small superbrawl to initiate the whole SHRA, but a few dozen crashes of a nuclear-powered billion-ton trillion-dollar piece of machinery and everyone's cool? Seriously? WTF?

Just listing the most recent Helicarrier failures here:

1. Crashed when Starktech disabled (Secret Invasion)
2. Crashed in Ultron Attack (Mighty Avengers)
3. Crashed when hacked by Amadeus Cho (Incredible Hercules)
4. Crashed when attacked by Hydra-Hand alliance (Wolverine)
5. Near-Crash when attacked by Hydra (New Avengers/Civil war)
6. Near-Crash when attacked by Red Hulk (Hulk)

So, there you have it. Four crashes and two near-crashes in the last 3-4 years of comics, which is about...let's see...I'd say about 6-12 months "Marvel Time"? Yeah, real success there.

Apologies

Friend came in from out of town. Full length posting will resume tomorrow

Pick the Best Caption

Three posters go in, but only your favorite comes out! U-DECIDE!

(Also, go to ADD's comic sale. It's a great deal)

Your moment of funny

By Special Request! Remember, if you have requests, send them and I'll try and bring them up :)

What if We Lived in a Comic Book Universe? Part 13

Keeping the posting light for the next few days to help promote ADD's Summer Comic Sale.

My good deed for the week

Alan David Doane, a good buddy of mine, and one of the best commentators of all things comicy and otherwise, is selling off some of his comics. As it is Alan, you can be sure that none of it is crap, and that you are getting a bargain. So, I suggest you go there right now and make him an offer he can't refuse.

For the love of god, he's got the Ellis Stormwatch Run, and Grant Morrison's X-MEN. How can you not want that?

Review: PS238 Vol. 5

I think I've said this before but it does bear repeating; if you don't love PS238, you clearly do not love joy. I mean, you must be some kind of brain damaged fool who enjoys truly awful comics that have no redeeming value to anyone human.





Aaron Williams has pulled of a mean feat with this series; It has a huge cast of characters, multiple layers of ongoing and sub-plots and mysteries, and he uses a fair number of analogues for various corporate owned super-hero properties. Oh, it's also about little kids, so that should basically give it the kiss of death right there, right? Seeing as I'm writing this review, I'm going to say the answer is NO.

Now, to be fair, this volume isn't perfect: Williams isn't writing for the trades, and so stories come and go at you without the sort of "complete experience" you normally would feel with a standard trade collection that would take you through a single narrative arc. Another problem present is that if you haven't been following the series up until now, it can at times leave you a little lost. In his defense, however, he puts up the early issues of the comics up as a webcomic here, for free, so he's doing his level best to get new people caught up and into the mix. Finally, Williams hasn't quite mastered the pacing and composition of action scenes, and this is definitely an action-heavy volume.

Where Williams succeeds is in the more fundamental areas of storytelling; he is constantly introducing new ideas into the series, while developing ones from previous volumes. In this volume alone, we have a school Career Day, an Alien Invasion, and some insight into the mystery behind the founding of the school. That also doesn't include the ongoing saga of series protagonist Tyler Marlocke, which goes through a couple of new twists in this installment. Of course, a fellow student is going through a trial of a very common and personal sort, and Williams is direct in showing the consequences of such a change. Unlike other kid-centric comic properties, the kids in this series behave like children, and so they lack the maturity necessary to understand the situations they are in.

However, where the book excels is character and humor. There really are some laugh-out loud moments and there is no shortage of fun and interesting characters. However, it is the last chapter which is the strongest, as it gives us a peek behind the mystery of the principal of PS238. It has long been assumed that he held onto a sinister secret. Well, we do find out the secret, but it is far more interesting, and more ambiguous, than we've been led to believe. Other characters get a chance to shine, including some favorites, and a few that I almost believed had been forgotten.

Overall, PS238 may not seem that innovative: its' old-fashioned approach to storytelling, and it's focus on developing long term plots and character arcs seem almost forgotten in this age. But, well, I can't think of a series I have more fun reading on a regular basis.

Oh, and if by any chance Aaron Williams reads this: Kent Allard? Well done, sir. Well done.

Friday Night Physics

You know, it's almost pain ful to discuss this one. But I'll do my best.

SPACE STATIONS

The Picture above, here's why it wouldn't work, in short:

1) Fire consumes oxygen. Being in space, there isn't much of that to go around, unless you have some way of renewing it really really fast. Also, space stations tend to be a bit rich in oxygen, so fire would spread rapidly, destroying your space station and everything on it; including you.
2) Where does the smoke go? I mean, venting it into space means that you'd be exposing the fire to vaacuum, so it would extinguish, so that can't work. The only way this could work is if you had a separate "Smoke Storage" container that would occasionally open to space, creating a barrier between the fire and space.

Now, looking at the shot below, you see the Justice League deciding to leave bits of Red Tornado floating around in and around their orbiting space station. Aside from being slightly weird, this is also insanely dangerous. In order for something to be in what is called a Geo-Synchronous Orbit (approximatel 22,600 miles above the Earth, which is what the Justice League Satellite is in), means that it has a relative velocity of...about 22,000 mph. This would also be the velocity of Tornado's remains. What this means is that should another satelitte or space vehicle (say, the Space Shuttle) veer too close, it could be hit by, say, a glove, at several times the speed of a rifle bullet. Now, while this doesn't seem like it would be harmful, consider that a paint chip travelling at this velocity has been known to cause serious shuttle damage...and then think about what Red Tornado bits at multiple-Mach Velocity would do to some poor astronauts, and it really makes the Justice League look like complete Assholes.

This has been another proud installment of Friday Night Physics. enjoy and feel free to leave your comments.

Tomorrow's Reviews, Today!

I know and you know we all spend a lot of time on the comic blogosphere. If you're like me, probably too much time, when you should be, I dunno, doing some work, reading, being with real people and such. If only we could save some time somehow.

Well, I'm here to tell you that I've solved this problem. Using my brilliant engineering knowledges, maths, and punching a wall (it works for some reason; don't ask why), I've been able to find my way onto the comic blogosphere...of the FUTURE! BEHOLD, THE REVIEWS OF TOMORROW!


Secret Invasion #8 (of 8) reviewed at Every Day is Like Wednesday

"...and so after 7 issues, plus tie-ins from all three Avengers 'Franchise' titles, you'd really feel like we should have a feel for what the point of this story was about. Yes, there is the prophecy, but a prophecy isn't really a story, and we never really get to see the internal mechanics of the Skrull empire and their collective psyche well enough to feel like we understand what is going on. But we don't, and so we get a lot of real mush about how sneaky and devious Nick Fury is and how he gets his final weapon into play to save the day, but it also sets up an even more disturbing new status quo. That's the real tragedy of Marvel: that it now takes 2/3 of a year to create a new "status quo" which will be undone in three months or less by the next "summer crossover"."

Bully the Little Stuffed Bull reviews Amazing Spider-Man 571

"This comic is OK. I mean, we are supposed to have funny Spidey, and it tickles my funny bone, but it doesn't go anywhere, and you always feel like Peter is just a loser."

Ray Tate reviews Superman and the Legion of Three Worlds

"This is wrong, wrong, wrong! Mr. Johns, if you are going to write the Legion, you must write them correctly. First, you must address the actions of the Khund War, and you simply should not, at all at all, write the Legion without the greatest Legionnaire of them all, the love of Brainiac 5's life, I speak of course of Kara Zor-El. To do this would be to write Buffy without Willow. It would be as if you are writing about the Fifth Doctor without including Tegan and Turla. This cannot stand, and you should be ashamed, ashamed..."

The Invincible Super-Blog revews Final Crisis 7(of 7):

"...I'm not sure it's as groundbreaking as we in the internet wished it could have been (although, when don't we wish that?), but it did have one saving grace: Batman kicking Darkseid in the face! Thank you, Mr. Morrison."

Ahbay of the Savage Critics reviews Iron Fist: Seven Capital Cities of Heaven HC

"Iron Fist is a strange breed: It's too slow to be Fight Manga, but it's too good to be among the dreary and plodding to count as one of Marvel's Superhero comics...."

Your Moment of Funny

What If We Lived in a Comic Book Universe? Part 12

Plot Devices that Need to Go Away #2

Normally, Monday night is very busy and I just make do with one of my "what if we lived in a comic universe" posters. However, I thought tonite would be good for the second installation in the series about comic book plot devices that need to go away.





Plot Devices that need to go Away #2:



SUPERHEROINE STRIPPER COSTUMES

Also Known As: Pervert Suits, Nimbo suits (Ninja + Bimbo, for those of you who wanted to know), Superhero Sex Bikinis, and Buttfloss outfits.

What is it?: Take a look at the pictures here pal. It's pretty obvious.

Why do The comic book companies do it?: The short answer is "Sex Sells". The long answer is....actually, no that's really about it. I mean, you could point to the stunted emotional maturity levels of most comic fans, writers, artists, and editorial, and that'd be a wonderful answer. But it wouldn't really be the truth. Oh, it might make you feel better, until you remember that we live in a world where Megan Fox stated in her interviews for Transformers that she was cast for her ability to look good in a belly shirt while running. It's not something strictly limited to comic book fans and is part of a larger tapestry of an oversexed society.

That said, I think the superhero comicbook medium does it take to ridiculous extremes, as seen here.

Recent offenders include but are not limited to: Every Image Heroine Ever, Ultimate Scarlet Witch, Mary Marvel, Huntress, Psylocke, Elektra, Ms. Marvel, Gammora, Every female character who had a costume re-design since 1988.

Patient Zero: Now, this is hard to determine, as some degree of titilation has been present since the beginning of the genre (Wonder Woman, anyone?), but in my opinion, we can trace the point where it went completely off the rails to one of two early offenders: The 70s costumes for the Legion of Superheroes, or and I think this is far more likely, Starfire from Teen Titans pictured below.

Why it has to go away: Look, I'm a straight guy and hey, I like sexy women just fine, but can we just admit that at some point, this became puerile, immature stupidity that makes all comic book fans look like mentally-addled manchildren? Nevermind the sheer impracticallity of the outfits, or the implied sexism, or sending bad ideas to kids. This crap makes all of us, from the top of the foodchain down to YOU, the person BUYING IT, look like just a little bit like a creepy pervert who stares too long in front of the lingerie mannequins at Sears. And I don't know about you, but I can think of lots of women in my real life that I think are pretty goddamn sexy without ever having seen them in a V-Thong and fishnet fetishwear.

Angles for Redemption of the Plot Device: None. Bury this already and put some clothes on!